Big Joe
Joe: Hey!
Lady Evyl: Hey!
Joe: Can I buy you a drink?
Lady Evyl: Uh, OK, sure.
Joe: You’re hot.
Lady Evyl: Uh, thanks.
Joe: I want you to take me home and make me your love slave.
Lady Evyl: Excuse me?
Joe: I could really get pumped up for you.
Lady Evyl: OK this is getting really weird…but you are kind of cute.
Joe: Oh baby you could blow me in so many ways, just pound me so hard I may explode.
Lady Evyl: Uh, yeah that would not …be…good.
Joe: Take me home, now
Lady Evyl: Can’t I tie you up?
Joe: Oh yeah baby, anything you want
Lady Evyl: Well, alright, but you better not be full of hot air!
So that is the little story of how I met Joe. Actually he likes it when you call him Big Joe. What an ego! Let me tell you bringing him home are a real novelty for me. I don’t usually take home a sleazy doll face men home like that…but I have been speculating at the thought of living such an experience for so long. It was just pure curiosity.
So I took Joe home. He now lives with me. Did I mention he does nothing all day, just stands around or lies down? He pretty much does his thing and I do mine. It was fun for a moment, when we first met, but now the magic is gone. The only time Joe is useful is when I have friends come over. I can count on him for making my friends laugh every time.
Let me give you a bit of background info on Big Joe. He is not the tallest Caucasian vinyl guy in the world for one thing: he is always standing with his legs apart, which puts him a 5’4” But if I force him to squeeze his legs closed he is 5’8”. He has a pretty sexy face but his skin has the texture of rubber. He has a goatee, a slightly receding hair line, really nice piercing brown eyes and nice lips. His mouth is very bizarre however. Every time he sticks his tongue out a lot more come out. I do not like kissing him at all. He is always poised to take me in his arms but he has really small fingerless hands. Joe has an impeccably large chest giving the illusion of sexy pecs and nice nipples. Oh he has an 8 pack going on too on his stomach: HOT. But lower down things get weird, really weird. I think Joe is actually a woman down there! He has a very slim waist, slim legs, and asshole…and a vagina! Yes you read it right, he has a vagina! It is pink and everything.
So Joe carries around with him a dildo he inserts into himself. Totally freaks me out! His beige dick is 7 inches long and about 1.25 inches in diameter, a nice size. He attached a black flared base to it he uses to keep in the dildo that he shoves into his vagina. Yes, again, you read that right. The thing is the base is way too wide for his vagina so I cut down the base with scissors so it would fit in otherwise there was no way to fit the original base. Total secret between me and you (don’t tell Joe) but his penis does not do it for me. It’s a hard rubber and so old school. Joe hit his prime in 1999 and has decided to not update his look or style in anyway.
Anyways, at this point I don’t know what sex he is. Is he a transgender, a transsexual, a female-to-male? Let’s say he is pansexual. One thing I can confirm though is that he is bisexual. He will have sex with anyone: a man, a woman…makes not difference to him. He claims to have 2 wholes, but like I said he has three: an anus, a mouth and a vagina. And he loves to get crammed hard in all of them. I personally though prefer using his penis. As I said before the inside of his mouth is ugly the only thing it is good for is giving head.
Joe really likes to get pumped up. And yes he can be full of hot air: I was so right on that one during our first conversation. He gets inflated through a whole in the middle of his back. By the time he get’s all pumped up I am a bit tired myself. It’s a shared workout. When I am done I push in the plastic plug. You know it’s like the closures on beach balloons or pool inflatable toys. Did I mention he can do push-ups with his penis?
Finally, Joe’s hygiene habits are quite questionable. Sure he’ll come in the shower with me no problem and clear up his exterior with soap and warm water, but he is awful at cleaning out his holes. He refuses to wash his mouth…it cannot be washed out. As far as his ass and vagina it would be really difficult to get any body fluids out completely. I am not sure when if the last time he got tested cause he asks his male sexual partners to wear a condom so they do not come in him.
When I get really tired of Joe I just deflate his ego by opening the cap of his plug in his back. Oh you should see it I get nasty then: I roll him around, bend him, he folds over with my cursing. If I really don’t see him for a while I send of to the closet to sulk. Either he is there or he likes to hang out at a place called Eden Fantasys.
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I hope you enjoyed my little story telling of Joe he he. I’ll tell you about my experience…in all seriousness. I did mean it when I said I was curious about using a doll once in my life. I took the opportunity not out of desperation but really to try and understand why people did use dolls for sex. Sadly I did not get my answer. I tried him once as it was my duty but I felt like a complete idiot. So I can tell you it ain’t my thing to get me off at all. What did impressed me is that Joe can take a lot of weight. I am a BBW and I could lie on top of him without fear of him exploding. If Joe is taking you with his penis the only way to do it is missionary with him on the bottom. Also at some point the dildo popped out regularly…not good. Had he a penis attached to him like other dolls it would be much better. Also the texture of his ‘skin’ is weird to lie on, specially if you get hot and stick to him a bit. The one thing that is hard to guess is just how much to inflate him. I filled him up until the plastic wrinkle in his butt, feet and elbows were gone and that seemed to work. Should Joe get punctured he comes with a small vinyl patch to fix him with.
There was maybe a 10 second time frame where I could forget he was a doll and the movement of humping a person felt real but besides that in no way does it even come close to substituting a real person. After one try I had enough, forever. if it works for you though, fabulous, nothing wrong with that. I do find him terribly entertaining when I have guest coming over. And i am expecting a bdsm house guest this weekend so I have kept Joe inflated till my friend arrives for a joke. it’s funny I often get startled when I walk into to room he is in if it has been a while: I always think for a split second ‘who is that’?
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| This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer. | ||
