This table is so cool…wish I had it to store toys in. I am starting to run out of place to put things away! And you could tie a sub down to on the table with all the handles. A vanilla freind grab a pic of this table at a flea market in France…it was sold already too.
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Mystressl Lady Evyl.
No BDSM here. just a great joke. Its a LONG read…but I PROMISE you will laugh your head off.
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THE ’spider drawing’ email prankster is back – and we’ve got our hands on his hilarious new wind-ups.
This time joker David Thorne is annoying a landlord and a gym boss with his cheeky replies. Below we’ve got the transcripts from both – and they’re brilliant. Thorne found fame after his spider email, right, became an internet sensation, sweeping inboxes around the world. It saw him trying to pay a bill with the drawing of a seven-legged spider, to the annoyance of a woman he owed money.
New row … over loud dogs
The first of his two newest posts begins with a letter, seen here, after complaints were made about noise in his flat.
Here we reveal the exchange….
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Dear Helen,
Thank you for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.
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Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen
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Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing.
I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships.
For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners.
I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.
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David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen
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Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours.
The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh.
Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.
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Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen
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Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.
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David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms.
These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen
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Dear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.
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David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen
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Dear David
This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.
All the best, Jeff Peters
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Dear Jeff,
Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 – Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately.
Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.
Regards, David.
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Hello David
How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.
Cheers, Jeff
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Dear Jeff
Do I get free shipping with that?
Regards, David.
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Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.
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Dear Jeff
By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing.
I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying.
My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to ‘lift this’, ”push that’ dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.
Regards, David.
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Hello David
Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.
Cheers, Jeff
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Dear Jeff
Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.
I knew a guy in high school who couldn’t talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher ‘mum’ and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back.
He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.
Regards, David.
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Go f$*k yourself.
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Dear Jeff
I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse.
As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends.
If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well.
There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace.
I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.
Regards, David.
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DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN
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Ok.
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Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?
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The middle one.
I will be in Toronto next week to visit some friends, one of them being the lovely Miss Susan that you will recall visited me in February. Really who would have tought a random online friendship would have turned into a real amazing friendship. See my blog about her visit here.
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Anyways when we discussed my visit she insisted on the weekend of July 4th because there will be an awesome Femdom party held by The Queen’s Right. Can’t wait! Will try to drag my other vanilla friend there too Ha!
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Also I saw the Citadelle is up and running. Went once last year and had a blast. But I need a lift to go? Anyone plan ning on going after I get back from my holiday? Say starting July 11th? Let me know
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Mystress Lady Evyl
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Hurry and get some now….they don’t last long!
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This one likes to be mouth picked
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The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants. Want in Sugasm #169? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the link list within a week and you’re all set.
This Week’s Picks
Covet
“My mouth waters at the sheer beauty.”
Lilly’s Turn – Part 3: Wherein Lust, Greed and Risk Intersect
“She was biting her lip to prevent herself from making a sound.”
Oh Dirty Girl
“It was at that moment that I knew I needed him to take me and take me dirty.”
Mr. Sugasm Himself
Porn’s 2009 AIDs Outbreak
Sugasm Editor
Review: Why Just Her
Editor’s Choice
My very first HNT!
(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above within a week. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)
Erotic Writing & Experiences
He Can Use Me All Night – Part Two, Yet Another Hotel
Hump Day Poetry
I Can’t Get No Contraception – Part 2
Just fucking.
Keeping It Simple
Tedious Training
Wet dream at the airport-part2
News, Reviews & Interviews
20 Questions with Satine Phoenix
Favorite Jeans -HNT
Girly HNT.
Glow Plugs and the Kegel8 Effect
I’m unemployed and I live with my parents
Protection and Promiscuity
Sex Advice
Congrats! You are the new proud owner of some Sexy Lingerie!
Pompoir: The Art of Milking the Lingam
The truth about female ejaculation
BDSM & Fetish
Breed Sex Part 1: They Want to Cum in You.
Daddy Spanked Me
Darklady’s 9th Annual Masturbate-a-Thon – The Solo Sex Circus
High School Bully Part 3
Humiliation
Imprint
A Kiss Goodbye
Meeting a Domme
Le 6 janvier…L’histoire!…My version***ME***
NSFW Pics, Videos & Audio
Bent in the chair for harsh punishment
Cikita
Lindsay Lohan Topless Twitter Picture
Liv – Pure Perfection
Nude at daylight
Teen girl bending over for some harsh cane stripes
Touched
Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Eagerness & Blow Jobs – Lessons Learned From Gay and Bi Men
Faking Orgasms | How it feels for a girl
On Love, Loss and Taking Risks
Totally unrelated to BDSM…but thought it was worth sharing. A vanilla friend of mine shared this find with me and I though it was a great read.
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This divorced Montreal lady got back out into the dating scene though online dating sites…and she writes a blog about her dates. Its really funny and well written. Posts are sporadic but its really worth to add this blog to your RSS feed.
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Virtual Men
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Enjoy!
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Tomorrow is finally the day many in the BDSM community have been waiting for IMPATIENTLY….the re-opening of the Loft in their new location. The owners had many ups and downs so it got delayed but its official…the doors are open tomorrow.
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I am also really sad to have to decide to miss it. I was planning on going but my agenda for the weekend coming is insane. I already have 5 things planned. I really want to go but I think I would just stretch myself to thin. I also have been going through a severe bought of insomnia…so the price to pay in the long run will be to high for the fun of one night.
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No worries, my play time agenda is going to be FULL though in the next days: playing with a couple tomorrow…a little double domming, Monday playing a very little bit with my new potential…and wed with a close girl friend. That last one will be interesting to see the way the dynamic may go. I may miss the party but I will be having my fun.
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BUT if you are free and are in Montreal go to the Loft:
| date: | Saturday, June 20, 2009 |
| time: | 10:00 PM to 03:00 AM |
| where: | Le Loft du Château |
| address: | 7080 rue Alexandra suite 204 |
| cost: | 20$ per/person |
| dress code: | Fetish wear or all black |
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SUBSCRIBE NOW!
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