Joe: Hey!

Lady Evyl:  Hey!

Joe: Can I buy you a drink?

Lady Evyl: Uh, OK, sure.

Joe: You’re hot.

Lady Evyl: Uh, thanks.

Joe: I want you to take me home and make me your love slave.

Lady Evyl: Excuse me?

Joe: I could really get pumped up for you.

Lady Evyl: OK this is getting really weird…but you are kind of cute.

Joe: Oh baby you could blow me in so many ways, just pound me so hard I may explode.

Lady Evyl: Uh, yeah that would not …be…good.

Joe: Take me home, now

Lady Evyl: Can’t I tie you up?

Joe: Oh yeah baby, anything you want

Lady Evyl: Well, alright, but you better not be full of hot air!

So that is the little story of how I met Joe. Actually he likes it when you call him Big Joe. What an ego! Let me tell you bringing him home are a real novelty for me. I don’t usually take home a sleazy doll face men home like that…but I have been speculating at the thought of living such an experience for so long. It was just pure curiosity.

So I took Joe home. He now lives with me. Did I mention he does nothing all day, just stands around or lies down? He pretty much does his thing and I do mine. It was fun for a moment, when we first met, but now the magic is gone. The only time Joe is useful is when I have friends come over. I can count on him for making my friends laugh every time.

Let me give you a bit of background info on Big Joe. He is not the tallest Caucasian vinyl guy in the world for one thing: he is always standing with his legs apart, which puts him a 5’4” But if I force him to squeeze his legs closed he is 5’8”. He has a pretty sexy face but his skin has the texture of rubber. He has a goatee, a slightly receding hair line, really nice piercing brown eyes and nice lips. His mouth is very bizarre however. Every time he sticks his tongue out a lot more come out. I do not like kissing him at all. He is always poised to take me in his arms but he has really small fingerless hands. Joe has an impeccably large chest giving the illusion of sexy pecs and nice nipples. Oh he has an 8 pack going on too on his stomach: HOT. But lower down things get weird, really weird. I think Joe is actually a woman down there! He has a very slim waist, slim legs, and asshole…and a vagina! Yes you read it right, he has a vagina! It is pink and everything.

So Joe carries around with him a dildo he inserts into himself. Totally freaks me out! His beige dick is 7 inches long and about 1.25 inches in diameter, a nice size. He attached a black flared base to it he uses to keep in the dildo that he shoves into his vagina. Yes, again, you read that right. The thing is the base is way too wide for his vagina so I cut down the base with scissors so it would fit in otherwise there was no way to fit the original base. Total secret between me and you (don’t tell Joe) but his penis does not do it for me. It’s a hard rubber and so old school. Joe hit his prime in 1999 and has decided to not update his look or style in anyway.

Anyways, at this point I don’t know what sex he is. Is he a transgender, a transsexual, a female-to-male? Let’s say he is pansexual. One thing I can confirm though is that he is bisexual. He will have sex with anyone: a man, a woman…makes not difference to him. He claims to have 2 wholes, but like I said he has three: an anus, a mouth and a vagina. And he loves to get crammed hard in all of them. I personally though prefer using his penis. As I said before the inside of his mouth is ugly the only thing it is good for is giving head.

Joe really likes to get pumped up. And yes he can be full of hot air: I was so right on that one during our first conversation. He gets inflated through a whole in the middle of his back. By the time he get’s all pumped up I am a bit tired myself. It’s a shared workout. When I am done I push in the plastic plug. You know it’s like the closures on beach balloons or pool inflatable toys. Did I mention he can do push-ups with his penis?

Finally, Joe’s hygiene habits are quite questionable. Sure he’ll come in the shower with me no problem and clear up his exterior with soap and warm water, but he is awful at cleaning out his holes. He refuses to wash his mouth…it cannot be washed out. As far as his ass and vagina it would be really difficult to get any body fluids out completely. I am not sure when if the last time he got tested cause he asks his male sexual partners to wear a condom so they do not come in him.

When I get really tired of Joe I just deflate his ego by opening the cap of his plug in his back. Oh you should see it I get nasty then: I roll him around, bend him, he folds over with my cursing. If I really don’t see him for a while I send of to the closet to sulk. Either he is there or he likes to hang out at a place called Eden Fantasys.

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I hope you enjoyed my little story telling of Joe he he. I’ll tell you about my experience…in all seriousness. I did mean it when I said I was curious about using a doll once in my life. I took the opportunity not out of desperation but really to try and understand why people did use dolls for sex. Sadly I did not get my answer. I tried him once as it was my duty but I felt like a complete idiot. So I can tell you it ain’t my thing to get me off at all. What did impressed me is that Joe can take a lot of weight. I am a BBW and I could lie on top of him without fear of him exploding. If Joe is taking you with his penis the only way to do it is missionary with him on the bottom. Also at some point the dildo popped out regularly…not good. Had he a penis attached to him like other dolls it would be much better. Also the texture of his ‘skin’ is weird to lie on, specially if you get hot and stick to him a bit. The one thing that is hard to guess is just how much to inflate him. I filled him up until the plastic wrinkle in his butt, feet and elbows were gone and that seemed to work. Should Joe get punctured he comes with a small vinyl patch to fix him with.

There was maybe a 10 second time frame where I could forget he was a doll and the movement of humping a person felt real but besides that in no way does it even come close to substituting a real person. After one try I had enough, forever. if it works for you though, fabulous, nothing wrong with that. I do find him terribly entertaining when I have guest coming over. And i am expecting a bdsm house guest this weekend so I have kept Joe inflated till my friend arrives for a joke. it’s funny I often get startled when I walk into to room he is in if it has been a while: I always think for a split second ‘who is that’?

Big Joe doll Male love doll by California Exotic Material: Rubber / Vinyl Safety: $47.99 Buy from EdenFantasys
Rating:	Vroom:	Bee:
This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer.

OK now I love mummification and Saran wrap is awesome…but something went wrong somewhere here?

I am slightly traumatized by this Japanese Hello Kitty MAC Cosmetics Make Up Collection

I don’t get it…but it’s kind of bdsm kink focused.

I am scared!

Now I know ALL Mistresses out there can recount at minimum 20 similar stories. We get approached on some site from a sub who just seems WAY TO PERFECT. When you are a new Mistress you fall for it. When you have been around the block a bit you spot them a mile away.

Case in point, last 2 days I did exchange with a supposed sub on collarme (which in my opinion is just filled with looser fakes – mostly). I got a first message of a perfect boy who served his Mistress until she moved…..he was her slave, did everything, layed it on real thick, bla bla bla:

Mistress:

i am a very obedient pet, and believe in female supremacy totally and will have it no other way. i will do anything and everything i am told, always making sure Mistress is satisfied and happy, having her pleasure enjoyable .

i served my last Mistress before she moved to Australia for 5 years, was her live in slave and pet and sissy slut, yes, whatever she wanted that day or moment, i complied to it without argument.

i massaged her, bathed her, dressed and undressed her, did her nails, cleaned all her clothes, shined her leather, latex, rubber clothes, shined her thigh high boots, shoes and sandals. there were many times, she would wake me up 5 in the morning to get her clothes ready for noon hour dates.

i slept either in the cage or on the floor by the bedside or if i was obedient that day, was in the bed with her, not touching unless she said so. i was never in chastity belt because she trusted me and i did not masturbate because i never knew if Mistress was going to milk me and if i didn’t have a full load, she would know automatically what i did. i never once masturbated without her permission.

i did all domestic house work, did all the laundry, did the shopping and cooked for her. i am a professional chef for over 17 years and never had the same meal within the 2 week period. there were times she would reward me by taking me to a classy restaurant (McDonalds, Wendys) because i had to earn Red Lobster, The Keg, etc.

i never once complained about the living conditions because i believe Mistress knows better and more than man and that every man should bow before a Mistress/Goddess/Princess/Queen and follow her instructions, for she is peaceful, forceful and does all things for her benefit and makes sure her slave is rewarded for a job well done.

moving to Montreal end of september

My red flag went up but the pics were good. So for fun I wrote to him back. I got bombarded by one liners after that. he even said his sister was in agreement he needed to be punished. OK red flag confirmed: LOOSER FAKE. And I got my icing on the cake this morning. Here is the last message he wrote me, in extra large letters:

I WOULD FUCK YOU HARD, FUCK YOUR ASS, HAVE YOU SUCK MY COCK AND EAT MY CUM, AND FINALLY, HAVE YOU IN LATEX MINISKIRT AND DANCE FOR ME

Now I know what this looser expects: a irrate and miffed response from a proud Mistress. He did not get that. Actually when I read I was practically on the floor laughing my head off. Seems I cannot even send him my reply saying he failed at angrying me and he made me laugh more then anything else be cause HE BLOCKED ME hahahahaha. Ah, the pitfalls of finding a boy while sifting through  A LOT OF CRAP. Sometimes you just have to have a good laugh about it all.

***Hey I even got an update…it has moved on to major harassement of threaths from him with now at least 3 profiles he has.  Calling me all sorts of names and what not, saying he knows who I am and will destroy me in public, bla, bla, bla. My good a total looser. Like he thinks I am shaking in my boots or something lol. Yes I did report him.

This past weekend I was at a BBQ BDSM party at Les Oubliettes which is about 45min north of Montreal. At this time of the year in the evening that means one sure thing: mosquitoes.

Someone made a joke as to whether there was a website for this fetish: probably everything else does. Well my curious nature forced me to google it. No there are no mosquito fetish websites (looking for a real niche product? voilà). But I did find this one entry (I had a link to it but I swear it vanished the next day to a 404 error page) which  thought was hilarious!

In the early summer when the mosquitoes
get thick, I like to go down by the
river where they are breeding. I will
bring a pillow and blanket. At dusk
when the mosquitoes are thickest, I
will find a quiet hidden spot well off the trail, lie on my back, put the pillow under my head, put the blanket over my head and upper body (wearing long pants)
and expose my penis through my underwear
fly and zipper so it is the only part
of me the mosquitoes can feed on.
I then relax and focus on the sensations
of being bitten there for a couple of hours. (I muse over how the mosquitoes are all female – weird huh?)
My penis ends up swollen especially at
the end and very itchy for a day or so. This enhances the sensations of masturbation and sex considerably (and makes my penis fatter also.)
Anybody else ever do this, or am I the Lone Ranger here? Is this a sign of some mental problem?

And if you have to ask, no I hate mosquitoes. Right now my feet and shins really hate them and are screaming it out in itchiness. Damn buggers

Too funny, now men are finally getting affected by all the social pressure to be hot. Introducing the Mirdle….the girdle for men. I am loving this being a plus sized Domme myself.

Because guys we do expect you to look like this….

So go out and buy your mirdle

or

go from this to this

Oh yeah, not exactly a new invention!

Here is another fun, fun, fun story from muzhik’s last visit. Yes this is another scene that fated him from one of the five mystery boxes. In it was an anal hook. Now I had no idea how the scene would go when I packaged this box. But seems like a series of events made the decision too easy.

But before I amuse you with his predicament, don’t forget to enter the Swag Alert: Win a Desire Vibe contest, you have till May 19, 2010 at 9:00 pm EST to enter.

Now on to the story! I have had this anal hook for quite some time. I was handmade for me by my old sub. But he never got to have it used on him as things ended not ling after. It collected dust in the closet until I decided muzhik would be the lucky boy to baptize it on the Sunday morning.

The night before, while we were attending a BDSM party, I had planned to use my TENS unit. I unpacked it at the club around 3 o’clock in the morning, he was all set up in bondage with a ball gag and a blindfold. This was to be his first experience with electricity.  I placed the pads on him, hooked them up to the TENS, played with the dials….nothing. The battery was dead! SHOOT! I was disappointed and so was he. I think he asked me 3 times in next hours if we could go buy a battery at some point. “YES but like not now at 3 am! In the morning.”

Fast forward to the morning. We wake up and right away I tell him to go pic a mystery box. There were only 2 left at this point. He brought back the one I was hoping. He opens it up and out comes the anal hook. Are you getting an idea yet where this is going? he is a bit nervous as he is not sure how an anal hook feels and what will happen to him. I have get on all 4s on the bed and start things nicely with a bit of anal play. I slip on a glove, lube it up very well and explore his anal cavity. Now this he enjoys and I get him loose and he is enjoying a prostate massage. When I feel he is ready I get the anal hook out. I slip a condom on and slowly maneuver the hook in. His body jumps up a bit of the bed from the unusual sensation.

“OK time to stand up.” That seems to be an interesting procedure for him. he is unsure how to move. Of course now we want that hook to stay in place nicely so I get out a good length of rope and I put him in a Karada using the top hook as an anchor for the bondage. Oh muzhik just looks so pretty now and that anal hook ain’t going NOWHERE. I am savoring this moment. “Alright get dressed and go buy the battery across the street now”. it takes him a moment to register I mean now with the hook and rope. he is a little uncertain. “Go get dressed”  I say. I follow him to the room and watch him struggle with his clothes. I am really having fun watching him struggle a bit. I did have to put his socks and shoe on – no way he was going to be able to do that.

I send him on his way out the door for his errand. The look on his face is just too precious and all I really want to do is get dressed and go with him at a distance and observe. Its killing me staying home. But I want him to feel the vulnerability of being out in public alone while in serious anal bondage under his clothes. I am loving this task mixing up, sexual anal play, bondage, public humiliation and mind fuck.

Finally he comes back. Mission accomplished with a brand new 9V battery for the TENS. Now I am telling you destiny has lined things up in my favor. muzhik proceeds to tell me he thought his errand was in vain as he could not see the 9V battery…until he noticed there was one left…on the bottom shelf !!! Apparently getting it – as discreetly as possible -  was quite a challenge. I ask him how the whole experience was. he says definitely different, nice, and walking at a normal pace on the street made him feel the ball on the hook quite intensely. I gave him a few light spank and ‘butt wiggle’ which had quite an effect. “You feel that” Oh yes is the answer. I left the hook in while we prepared breakfast and even had him sit at the table to eat his breakfast.

Only after breakfast did I remove the hook. he is a bit relieved but I think he really enjoyed the scene too. After that we go back to the bedroom and start back where we left off the night before. I placed the pads on him, hooked them up to the TENS, played with the dials….and this time we have electricity. muzhik finally gets his first experience with electricity play.

Blasphemy at its best

Yes I am gonna get all cute and cuddly on you. Only ‘apply’ to the subject matter…tother two are TOO CUTE!OK  I have two cats. I am not obsesed but bare with me!

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Sub material? Rejected

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OK that would be something I would say

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Aw, aftercare!

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No bdsm relation...I just can so relate with my cats!

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I had dinner in a Chinese restaurant the other night and I was laughing my head off when I read my fortune cookie. It said:

You will soon be honored by someone you respect.

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A funny coincidence… especially with a new ‘bitch boy’ in my horizon

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